You know we’re the shelving specialists, but you may not know that we’re also experts in the supernatural. To keep you safe this Halloween, here is our guide to vanquishing common monsters (with shelving)…
Zombies Homo necrosi
Strengths: great metabolism, team work
Weaknesses: standardized tests, lawnmowers
|When in doubt, bash ’em out|
For zombies, we recommend our chrome wire shelving. The steel construction can withstand even the most persistent Walker’s machinations. We recommend two 34″ posts for brain-bashing and two 14″d x 24″w shelves to shield the body from non-consensual gnawing.
Vampires Homo vampiris
Strengths: sultry good looks; army of tween devotees
Weaknesses: tanning booths, Italian food, Kristen Stewart
|*Slayer not included|
Always remember the 3 S’s of vampire vanquishing: Stakes, Stakes, and Stakes. We do extensive quality tests on all of our wooden shelving units* to ensure maximum staking potential. Simply smash your shelving unit in case of vampire attack.
Werewolves Homo lupus
Strengths: excellent hair, own best friend
Weaknesses: rolled newspapers, games of fetch
Other than blowing in a werewolf’s face, the only sure-fire way to scare off this howler is silver. One look at this little silver wine stopper will send a fully grown wolf-man scampering off into the moonlight.
Frankenstein Homo victors monsterus
Strengths: reaching the top shelf, puttin’ on the ritz
Weaknesses: pick-up lines, camp fires
|Don’t let his dapper threads fool you: he is a terrifying monstrosity|
The strength of a raging bull elephant, the mental prowess of a Tamagotchi – Frankenstein is truly a deadly foe. Scientific study has shown that the most effective way of defeating this monster is to rally against him in numbers and scare him with fire. It always goes exceedingly well.
|Please don’t ask me why.|
While at present the demons are at bay, we here at Shelving, Inc. stand watchful over the world in anticipation of future uprisings. Remember our full motto, “a shelf in every room…keeps you from a monstrous doom!”